Hand, hand, fingers, thumb...

This picture might just look like ordinary household items to you. But when I look at it, all I see is torture. Added to this list is pushing a stroller, lawn mower, shopping cart; driving a car or bicycle; changing diapers, giving baths, massages, holding hands, cutting hair, playing tennis, anything crafty, using a computer mouse, typing, holding a book, cell phone, baby bottle, walking, hiking, lifting weights...

I want my kids to know that I'm sorry for all the times I've overreacted when they've taken their shoes off after I just put them on, or at any point during the day, really. Putting shoes on a toddler shouldn't be a big deal - but it is. Or when I'm trying to feed them a bite of cereal and they don't cooperate right away. Holding a spoon to a baby's mouth shouldn't be a big deal - but it is. Or when I'm holding their hand to cross the street and I desperately need them to walk faster so I can let go. Holding a hand shouldn't be a big deal - but it is. Or when they ask me to sign a paper for school and I make them show it to Daddy instead. Signing a paper shouldn't be a big deal - but it is.



Tomorrow I am having surgery on both hands for carpal tunnel syndrome. I am so excited, and so scared. I am so excited to have functioning hands again! I am excited to be able to do all the things I've wanted to do and learn the things I've wanted to learn - watercolor, calligraphy, chalk art, massage therapy! I'm also very scared.  I know recovery is going to be really hard with 6 kids to take care of - especially the baby. But I'm also scared for life after surgery. These tingling fingers have been a part of me for 11 years. Maybe sometimes I've used them as an excuse for avoiding things I haven't wanted to do, and soon I won't have that excuse anymore. Will I break out of my shell? What if I'm no good at it?

Tomorrow I start a new chapter in my life...wish me luck.