6 years of questions

I'd like to say not a day goes by without me thinking about my mom. But its not true. Many days go by. And then I'll have a question - a question only my mom would know how to answer. 
"What did you think about this?"
"How did you handle that?"
"What should I do?"
"How do I teach my kids about...?" 
"Why didn't you...?"
I wish I could know the answers. I guess someday I will.

Remembering Grammy

Dear Grammy,
Just writing this letter makes me want to cry because I really, really miss you. I'm so really wanting you to be here. Did you know I'm 8 years old now? I got baptized on Sept. 29, 2012. Now I'm in second grade. I signed up for after-school book club. I love to read books, just like you, Grammy! Cody can walk. Did you know that? I lost one of my two front teeth, and now its growing in. Do you think I'll be able to see you when I die? I cannot wait to see you. I love you very much.
Love,
Paige

Dear Grammy,
I wish I could see you. Did you know that I saw you on a movie on the computer? You looked really nice when I was a baby (and a little bit old). Did you know that now I am 5 years old? Did you know that I got a remote control helicopter for Christmas? Did you know that Mom fixed my Y-writer that I got for Christmas last year? I have a loose tooth - its my first one! I am having fun at school. I even signed up for karate today. I wish you were here and I bet you would be good at flying my helicopter (Mommy's not very good at it!). I bet you could teach her how to do it.
Love,
Ashby

Dear Grammy,
I want you to know how to spell my name L-V-E-I.  I wish I could hug you. And I want to show you my painting.
Love,
Levi

No missed calls

We arrived home from our New Year's festivities at 2:30 this morning. We transferred the kids from their sleeping positions in the car into their more comfortable beds. Then I went to the kitchen and picked up the phone to see if there were any missed calls. No missed calls. I surprised myself by instinctively wondering why Mom hadn't called to wish me a happy new year. That was a very lonely moment.

letting go

It is time to let it go...
I've had this plant for 4 years - a gift after Mom died. I've kept it alive ever since, but now I've watered it 3 times and it just won't perk up.
Sorry Mom, I have to get rid of it. Now that corner of the room is ready for something new...Wish you could take me to pick out something nice, you were always good at that.

Dear Mom

Well Mom - its been four years.
The hardest part about losing you was knowing that you wouldn't be around to see my kids grow, get to play with them, or boast about their accomplishments. I've especially found it hard not having you around to answer all my mothering questions. Plus I've grown to appreciate you more and more with each baby I have, and I can't even express my gratitude to you. I miss talking to you and I really miss your hugs. Since I know you've been anxious to find out more about what you're missing, I wanted to update you on some of your favorite grandkids...

Paige age: 7
favorite color: all of the colors
favorite food: Pasta Roni, spaghetti, ice cream and cake
favorite show: Wild Kratts
favorite book: All kinds of Princesses
favorite toy: Barbie Pony Vet

Paige is really such a helper at home. Weekends and school breaks are so much better than the normal day because Paige is home. It's taken me a while to figure out why, but its because she plays with Levi and Ashby so well. Often times she is trying to be the peacemaker (or the mom), but mostly she teaches them how to play pretend. Lately it is in the form of building forts, which they use as a cave to pretend to be night furies [that's a kind of dragon, in case you haven't seen How to Train your Dragon yet], or they pretend to be kitty cats. Its quite fun to watch them all play together. When Paige is gone the boys just fight and fight and we all miss her.

Unfortunately Paige is not perfect. What am I suppose to do about her constant need for attention? At school she gets in trouble constantly for talking out of turn. She often has to miss recess, she has come home with numerous notes from her teacher, and even phone calls during or after school. I'm the mom, but I honestly have no idea what to do, I wish I could ask your advice. Its not much better at church. Its pretty much impossible to get her to sit reverently. The only way for her to hold still is for her to bring a notebook to draw in. She loves to draw and it makes my life easier, but I'm afraid she is missing out on important lessons.

Paige has surprised me a lot recently though. She is starting to be more in tune with the spirit and asking important questions. Her prayers are more thoughtful and she loves to bear her testimony. The other night she paused in her prayer, which she said was so that she could listen for an answer, and we talked a lot about doing things that would help us have the spirit in our life. Another night she came out of bed to tell me that she had a warm feeling in her heart after reading stories from the Friend. Hopefully she is on the right path for preparing to be baptized this year.


Ashby age: 4 1/2
favorite color: Orange
favorite food: Spaghetti, lasanga, ice cream
favorite show: Avatar
favorite book: Skippy Jon Jones
favorite toy: Transformer helicopter

Ashby is really talented. Anything he wants to do he can do it well. He is especially amazing at sports and was the leader on his soccer team this year. He is also a fantastic singer. Totally on key with any song. But don't try to get him to do something if he doesn't want to. Ashby is like Jekyl and Hyde. He has moments of brilliance, but a lot of the time this year you can see his facial features change and he yells, "No!" and that is that. Ugh! It is so frustrating. The saying at our house goes, "when Ashby ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." But when he has a good day it is a fabulous day.

Ashby absolutely loves Cody. He is really good with him, but that poor baby has gotten so many hugs and kisses that its too much of a good thing. We are trying to teach him that there are other ways to play with a baby that are more appropriate. You can usually find Ashby with his pointer finger in the air meaning one more kiss after I've told him that's enough.

I can't get Ashby to eat anything. He is so picky. He hardly ever eats dinner even if I know he will love it. He won't even give it a chance. Another thing that is so frustrating.

This year Ashby is in two preschools. One is the neighborhood coop with four other kids and the other is an online preschool called Upstart. Both are so beneficial. Upstart is amazing! So entertaining and educational and he loves to play it. The best part is that he can sit and play it all by himself which gives me time to feed the baby or do the dishes or a hundred other things.


Levi age: 2 1/2
favorite color: Orange
favorite food: PB and Honey sandwiches
favorite show: Rusty and Rosy ABC's
favorite book: Playtime Baby, Blueberries for Sal
favorite toy: Ball

This has been a year of development for Levi. He started the year just screaming and crying to get our attention and is now using complete sentences - with a little screaming in between. But it seems like his vocabulary is doubling every day. Levi copies everything his older siblings (which is often a bad thing, unfortunately). He picked up on riding a riding scooter easily and he loves to run around and soccer and T-ball. His favorite outdoor activity is riding his wiggle care. He is so fast on that thing.

Levi has the loooongest eyelashes. Everybody everywhere comments on his eyelashes. They are so long they kind of make his eyelids sag. But they are definitely gorgeous. But I think his smile is what really melts everyone's hearts. It is infectious.

We have been really lucky with Levi because he has never given us any trouble about going to nursery. He walks right in there without even saying goodbye and stays without any problem.

Levi loves to make up songs and sing in his bed when he should be sleeping. If he wakes up singing you know its going to be a good day.

You've always said that if a toddler is able to draw circles then they are ready to be potty-trained. Well, Levi has been drawing circles for at least 6 months, but I'm not so sure about the potty thing. Maybe he is ready, but I don't think I am ready. Pretty soon though. I talk to Levi about it a lot, but it is a big commitment on my part, so I think I'll wait till he is begging for it.

The thing is that I feel bad for Levi. He gets all the leftovers - clothes, toys, activities and my time. The poor kid hasn't gotten to do tumbling or swimming or soccer or any thing the older have done. I don't know if I'm giving him the attention he needs and it makes me sad. How am I supposed to do it all?


Cody
age: 4 months

Cody grew over night. He is getting chubby cheeks and little rolls on his legs. I love when a newborn turns into a baby. So fun! He is really a good baby. He sleeps between 10-12 hrs at night but still keeps me guessing on what his nap schedule will be. Lately Cody has been loving sucking on his fists. He is starting to grasp toys, but mostly he enjoys watching his mobile. He laughs more and more each day and is cooing and gurgling and smiling and talking to us. We're coming on the really fun, playful age.

Rumor is I'm lonely

I'm surrounded all day long, yet I feel so lonely. There's a constant tugging, holding me back every day because I feel like something is missing. It takes me a while to figure out why I feel lonely and then I realize...I miss my mom. I miss having someone to call and brag about my children to. I miss her encouraging notes. I miss her advice. I miss her listening ear. I miss her hugs. It is strange to think that I have had two babies since she has been gone. I miss her the most after I have a baby. There are so many "firsts" that seem to go unnoticed because she's not here to ask about them. Her kids and grandkids were always her top priority and I never felt like I was interrupting anything when I called to chat. I miss feeling that important.

So when I wander around the house aimlessly I realize its because something's missing. Then I usually find myself in front of the pantry trying to fill the void. But that's a post for a different day.

Letters to Grammy

Dear Mom,

There has been so much we are sad you have missed out on in the last three years. We wanted to catch you up on a few things. When I told Paige we were going to write letters to Grammy she thought it was weird because you were in heaven and could see us anyway. But when she prayed that night she asked Heavenly Father to make sure you got the letters.

So, enjoy these letters about your grandkids. ;)

I guess you knew Levi before we ever met him, but its so weird to think that he has never rocked with you in your rocking chair and heard all your great stories.

Levi is definitely stubborn and at the hard one-year-old stage, but when he smiles, it makes it all worth it. He only has a handful of words, but he definitely gets his point across. Levi loves nursery and hasn't given us any trouble about going. We hope it lasts. He is drawn toward balls and loves acting like a dog, or copying the older kids when they decide to pretend to be babies. I am glad that he is a pretty cuddly kid when he wants to be. I love his hugs and just having him rest on my shoulder. I know he would have loved to cuddle into your arms as well.


Dear Grammy
I really miss you so much. I wish you were here. I wanted to tell you about some of my things that I like.My favorite things, like my favorite food is ice cream and watermelon. They are my favorite.

I started school this year!
Mrs. Sarkady is my teacher at school. I like my friends. My friends are Melissa, Udvall, Kenyon, Kara, and Brooke. Those are all my favorite friends.

Miss Neilsen is my teacher in music class. Music class is my favorite and I like singing, and if we do something right then we earn some apples for our good fruit barrel.

Even at home I like doing my things like homework, drawing pictures. I take good care of my little brother Ashby and I take good care of my baby brother Levi.

I know how to read by reading books and I need to read some good ones and a little bit harder ones. I can even read books for a second grader! I can even read the scriptures! And I can read some chapter books!

Thank you Grammy for being my grandma.

I love you. And I know that you had a good time with me when I was three years old before you died.

Love, Paige


Dear Grammy,
I love Grammy and she's the best. And I hope that she will get better. And I love her and she's the best to me.

I got to score two goals in soccer, and I like playing t-ball. And Paige likes playing t-ball too.

My friend is Lex, and Paris and at aerobics my friends are Jacob and Eric and Ry-ry.

I love Levi and Mommy and Daddy and Paige.

I love all kinds of cool toys, like my robot and my Super Why toy. I like pens and I like to write with them and I like to write with pencils. I can't write my name - I can. I can write A-S-H-B-Y. I can write my name.

Levi is the best and he's my best baby in the whole world.
And where we live is in Provo.
Love, Ashby

Missing

I think about my mom every day.
I miss my mom every day.

There are so many questions I have that I wish I could ask her. Especially questions about how to take care of little kids. I also wish I could ask her questions to know more about her. I really don't know anything about my mom, and that makes me sad.

Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of her death and I missed it. Somehow, I never looked at the date yesterday and I didn't even realize it until about 11pm last night when I read an email from my dad. Maybe its better that I didn't remember, because the last hour of the day was hard enough.

I hate crying. Crying gives me the most horrendous headache. So I try to hold it in, but that gives me an even worse headache.

I still remember the best cry I ever had. It was in the shower the day after Mom died. That was a good, loud, uncontrollable, fall to my knees, sobbing cry. I should probably let myself cry like that again, then maybe my head wouldn't hurt so much.